EASEOFPAIN

i'm trying to push myself to greater and better things recently. i haven't seen any improvements yet but i really think that things are going to start heading in my direction soon. i just have that feeling. im looking for a new career not just a new job and im for once happy being single. im living my life to the fullest with no one to hold me down. im even saving for a one bedroom apartment. so i can be on my own and not dependiong on anyone else for a change. im bettering my credit too at this moment so that should help me with the apartment as well. lets just hioope that things really do turn to face my way. cause only god knows how much i need a break from disappointments and let downs in my life.

for the past 6 months or so i have been so happy that it's been hard for me to express. i can't even explain it to myself. but the sad thing is that it isn't as perfect as i thought. eddie wants and has been wanting to take a break from our relationship. all of the reasons for him wanting the break and because of things ive done wrong. but never about things that he has done to upset me. all of the excuses were me being lazy, not trusting him, or how i talk to his friends about tings that upset me instead of him. the thing is that i talk to his friends as a trust test and they all failed. i warned him when we moved in that i was going to be lazy for a while and i guess he didn't believe me. for the trust thing it is not that he gave me a reason to not trust him but rather i dont trust anyone. i have my fears and some actions that i need to change within myself in order to keep myself away from becoming part of a pill bottle. one thing he doesn't understand is how often i feel like stuffing a full pill bottle down my throat.
i have my issues and there are many of them. but lately i have been trying my hardest to change the things about me that bother most people and mostly bother me. i hate that i feel the need to protect myself from every situation possible but putting my self in this protective shell. eddie's best friend darrin recently helped me realize that i didn't build the shell to keep people out but to see who is willing to break through it to see the real me. most people see this quiet and lazy person. but if you were to see how i am around the people who have cared enough to break through my shell then you would see an outgoing, enthusiastic, fun, loving person. but i hide all that so that i have nothing else to regret in my life.
i have been through a lot in my lifetime even though it has been a short one. i like who i am on the inside but i was once told to protect myself  to the full extent. what i didn't realize is that my full extent is or should i say was going to kill me in the end. i kept everything bottled up, just waiting to burst is not the proper way to go through life. lately i have been trying to and progressively have been breaking out of my shell, letting people know how i feel if not at that moment then soon after.
i have improved quiet a bit in the past several months. i haven't been letting things get to me as much, i have been talking about my problems with people, and i have started to become outgoing like i was when i was a child. when i am home im not always in the bed being lazy like i used to but instead now im going shopping or cleaning or hanging out with my friends on my days off or even on the days that im working i find time to have fun instead of sleeping.i have become very proud of the things that i have changed about myself because i hated being the lazy one and not doing anything. its just that i needed time to reflect on the past few years since i have been out of my mothers house. and now that i have reflected as much as i needed i am proud to be who i am and happy that i have become who i am today instead of being self conscience about everything.

i feel like the third wheel whenever i'm home. mae is always here so i never have time to spend with meg alone.now there's someone who truely makes me happy. i love him so much no one has any idea how strongly i feel for him. i would give my heart for him.i spent all of yesterday in the emergency room and on the way there meg continued to say how important my health is but today she is bitching because she wasted er day off at the hospital. yea, that makes me feel great, not!! so many things ive lost, so many things i can loose but dont want to. ive lost people that i care about, and now i could lose another. so i ask why me,why do these hard times get pushed at me and my heart. he wants to join the military. i dont know how i feel about it. i know im afraid to loose him but at the same time i know that it would be good for him. there would be a better chance of him getting zack. he would love to have his son and i would love to see him happier. in my heart i know that i would love to have a step-son and that's because i would love to have chlildren. when i picture my future i can see a husband that loves me, 3 or 4 children, and 2 cats. i wish for once that someone would give me what i want, because it seems as though that all my life people would rather take all my happiness from me than give me one thing that i want. now how fucked is that?

one night i decided to go out so i could get laid. it was going good for a while but after spending some time with this guy i realized that he is a complete dick. after a while he wouldnt call or text me. no im s or nothing. the only thing that i wonder what i do to push people away. so my point is that you should never go out and sleep with someone that you have never met, because it could come back to you by him avoiding you.

she finally likes someone else
and secretly i like being single
but now i just have to convince myself that
i'm to used to being in a relationship
i would be and am happy for them
they would be good together sometimes i worry about myself
but her happiness always matters more

they kissed tonight
while we were drunk like she did wit me
i miss that shit so much
i try telling myself that i like being single
but im lying to myself
what does it mean when you cant even tell your self the truth
it means that you're afraid of the truth
like me...
i am afraid of how i feel
and what i dream about
sometimes i think im over her
sometimes i know that im not
but the truth is...
i just want to be happy again
like her
it's never happening especially to me
can anyone make me truly happy?
i dont think its possible anymore
with the life that im leading
the only way its gonna happen to me is if
god drops a miracle in my lap
i need a cigarette, i need a drink but
i will never be happy again

just going downstairs and smoking a cigarette
things change so much
before my cig they kissed
and after smoking they are in a fucking relationship
what the fuck else am i gonna have to deal with
i feel so much pain
i feel so alone
so badly i want to be loved
so badly i want to be held
when is it gonna happen for me and not for everyone else..
when???
it makes me so upset
it makes me so mad
it makes me so happy
how can it be all three at the same time?
drinking doesn't help
smoking pot doesn't help
crying doesn't even help anymore
what the hell will make this pain go away?
what the hell will make the pain subside?
what the hell will make me fell better for the first time in a long time?

any consideration
nope
none at all
so lonely
they dont care
apparently they never cared
they never have
there's no point
i dont even care about myself
so whats the point fro them to care
if i dont
there isnt one
i could kill myself and no one would care
they said that they would but the reality is that they never did
i dont matter
not to them
not to my family
not even for my self so what's the FUCKING point?
there isnt one
there never has been
i am no body
just do it now
just fucking kill me
put me out of my misery
make it all go away
but that's the chicken-shit way out lie to those who need it
but then again thats all i want
maybe that makes me a chicken-shit

i want to pass out
i want to forget
i want to DIE
there is no reason for me anymore
i got them together
i made them happy
i made it so that i dont exist
and now that i think about it, i have never existed to them
 
all of these entries were written while living with meg

i'm not upset because she doesn't want to be with me
the true reason why im depressed is because im not on track
this is not where i wanted to be 3 years after i left my mom's house
i wanted to be in my own apartment
not living off of others
i hate what im doing to their family
they dont need another person to feed
they must hate me but show empathy to make me feel better
i am just a waste of space
no matter where i go
i can't hold a job
and i can't get a job when i need one

this was written while living at meg's house

i make cold seem unbearable
i make lonely seem wanted and loved
to wish that everyone knew
what it's like to be me
but how many would have lost it by now?
how is it that i have kept it together for this long
i am a mess, a bum, and worthless to everyone around me
even my sister, my own flesh and blood has no idea
what i did for her and sacrificed as a part of that
my mother... there's too much to say
to leave, to get out
to leave everyone alone so i don't drag them down with me
i am a liar, a cheater, and a selfish bitch
one simple thing and i couldn't tell the truth
like they say "like mother, like daughter"
i am a home wrecker, thank you allen
slowly i am ruining my life and everyone's around me
MLE should know that i'm sorry for messing up her relationship
he deserved someone like her, some one better than me
they were perfect together
i get so upset over little things like pone calls
but the reason why they don't call is because i don't matter
aways hiding in the back of a photo if in it at all
rarely involved or am i just that picky

I was supposed to get a therapist but the truth is I don't want it. I don't even believe that I need it anymore.I'm doing better, letting people know how i feel. Oh god before, i couldn't do it no matter how much i tried, but now i am learning how to let it out. i need to do so many things, i need to get an apartment, a car, and a license. but the one thing that's bothering me the most is that i need to call my father. i need to call and say happy late birthday and also because Gagu died in January, so i want to say that I'm sorry. i should do it today and get it over with, but I'm too scared. I'm afraid of what he's gonna say. I'm afraid of him saying the phrase i love you, cause i wonder will it be true or will he say it because he knows that i want to hear it. but if he does were is the fucking proof of it. he's the one that left, he's the one that took the chicken-shit way out, divorce!!! it's funny though because they say that when a father leaves his children at a certain age, that they are the ones that suffer and they are the ones that are hurt in the long run. but in this case it's just the opposite. i think I'm better off with him out of my life. things changed so much when he did leave. but if it wasn't for those things i wouldn't be anywhere near as strong as i am today. i am strong because he left, but i am not happy that he did. the thing is that i wonder who i would be today if he had stayed.

I feel so alone, just so utterly alone.
No family
Few friends
Bad dreams
No one to help
No one who cares
The people that call themselves family,
Only want money or favors but they are never there when i need them the most
Out of my few friends most of them could just be considered acquaintances
I need to get out
Get a place of my own
Live on my own
Help myself before others for once
Stop being stupid
Push my feelings aside
Stay out of the way
You have your problems I have mine
When you needed help
I helped you
But now that i need it
You're no where to be seen
Deal with your shit
I will deal with mine
Don't worry about me
I will work my problems out
And get rid of them myself

this was written while i was living at megs house on a severely depressing day

It has been quite a long time since i actually posted but now that I found it again i will be posting as much as i can and there has been a lot that needs to be filled in from the past year. So until i have time
 
EASE OF PAIN

The hard times is when you need your friends and family there for you but sometimes the reason why you're having hard times is because of your friends and family...
 
I so badly wanted to be able to trust all of the people that have come into my life but sometimes thats just not and option.

He lived just on the other side of the lake and he was over the house all the time and even on the holidays. He was named Dan as well was my brother.He was my brother's best friend.

In my past i was afraid to loose my virginity all because when I was young like 9, My brother's best friend was watching my sister and i. All day my sister, i and dan had a great time we played games and we went for a walk. We had so much the fun. But at the end of the night is when all of the fun ended. Dan went to put my sister to bed so I was in my parents room just watching tv and waiting to fall asleep. I was going to sleep in their room that night because they were spending the night out at the casino for their anniversary.

After he put my sister to bed he came in to tuck me in or so I thought... When he came in the room instead of sitting on the bed and watching tv with me or sitting in the chair by the bed, he decided to jump in the bed with me, he got under the covers with me and everything. I was not happy with that but as long as he didn't do anything else I didn't care as much. He then pulled the covers over our heads and said "Finally we're alone."
 
The next thing i remember is waking up in the morning with no pants and a tank top on, covered in blood and with tears running down my face. I got in the shower and washed all the blood off of my body because it was all over me. As i was scrubbing the rest off my sister walks in and she sees into the shower a little. She asks me what all the red stuff in the shower was and I lied to here and told her that i woe up really early and did some painting and got in all over my arms and legs. she believed me well then again she was around 6 and she was just beginning to know what things meant and she was now starting to figure things out.

After my shower I left the house to go down the street to a friends house and din't mention this insident until i was about 13 or 14. when I got home i realized that my parents weren't home and i went into there room. I looked for the blood on the sheets and everywhere else.. in the washer, in the dryer, the trash cans, his car, i checked everywhere so i could show my parents the blood and they were no where to be found. To this day nobody in my family has any idea about it. the only people that do know are my friends that were or are extremely close to me.

Now if you didn't know about that and you have a problem with me being depressed, Contemplate that this is only some  bullshit that bothers me everyday.

EASEOFPAIN

There is a list of places that I've lived. And for some reason it gets harder and harder to cope with when it's not my choice to move or not.

I was born in Springfield in which you could see my house off of the highway. It was an apartment building that my mother and biological father lived in when I was born in Spfld. We lived there until I was about 5 months old when my mother and I moved to Florida until I was 1.

After my mother and me moved back up to New England she got back together with my brother's/my adopted father. We all moved to Suffield, CT. We lived right near the library and the church in the center of town. My mother and father got married in that church around the corner when I was 5 and was soon as they got back from there honeymoon the first thing they told my sister and I was that we were going to move to Enfield,CT. And I remember moving in the middle of the night to our new house, all we brought with us was some mattresses to sleep on for the night. I went to school for the first time when I lived in Suffield. And besides that day and getting a picture taken of me getting onto the bus was my 5th birthday. i remember I got this stupid Barney glitter set and when my father got home he yelled at me because there was glitter all over the house and on the walls and everything else. In my room my bed was about like 3 feet off the floor and i had to climb onto something just to get into bed. When i would wake up in the morning i would be underneath it. But my favorite part of my room was the fact that there was a humungus toy chest in my room with a picture of a unicorn on it. My grandfather had made it for me when I was little. As I remember it is still at my father's farm unless he sold it or broke it into pieces for a fire. If it's not there anymore I swear I will be pissed. Im pretty sure it's not.

Well I'm gonna take a nap and I might add when I wake up or I might need to cover Brian's morning shift. So anyways TTYL

EASEOFPAIN

                    Dennis Carmichael is my biological father, Steve was my adopted father and Quentin is the father I never had. Quentin is the one man in my life that i can always say has been there for me and will never leave. Dennis, someone I've never called Dad, left when I was just a baby and I've seen him once when I was about 6 at  Riverside.

                     After that my mother had my sister with my sister's dad. After they split up she went back with my older brother's father Steve. Steve then adopted me and he was there for me for 6 years and he had the ability to call himself my father up until I was just about 11, until he left. The way it went was that my grandparents are millionaires and they told him divorce my mother Michelle or be cut out of the will.
When my father left he left us with nothing, he took the car, he left no money, he (because of his parents) deserted my whole family... for money.      
      
 For a while my mom went through a series of boyfriends...
Rick- Coke head
              -I decided that it was time for him to go so one fine day... I got out of school early and got home to meet my sister while he went to go do some coke.As soon as some friends who knew my plan and I saw my sister come around the corner we got her into the house really quick and told her to grab her shit and go to her friend Kimberly,s house for the day and stay in the house. We all walked her to her friends house and told Kim's parents about the idea and to keep them both in the house and pretend like she wasn't there and not to let her out of the house unless it was me or my mom to come and get her. They agreed and told me that they would keep her safe.
            -I then who already had my shit went to Ethan's and Jake's house waiting for the whole thing up build up. We got there around 3 and were expecting him back around 3-3:30. Not even 20 minutes after we got to the house a friend of mine who knew and admired him showed up asking for me and said that he just figured since I wasn't at my house then I was there. They were right but Ethan lied straight to his face like I asked him to.
            -Rick called the cops and said that I ran away to their house in which I kind of did. The cops showed up but by the time they showed, I had already went down the street to my friend Christina's house and hid there for a little while but they we all ran barefoot to Dave's house which was directly across the street from Ethan and Jake's. Dave was their cousin. When we saw the cop lights I figured it was safe to go out and I personally talked to them with Ethan by my side backing up everything I say.
            - I told the cops that he did coke and that I didn't want it around my house anymore...He also had a warrant out for his arrest too. They had me call my mother at work which she wasn't too happy about and she left work. The cops told me that they were going to the house to help him pack all his shit and for me to leave the house only if I was with my mother. They also told me to grab my sister when we were on our way home so we did.
            -When my mom got to the house I came out and was convinced that she was going to kill me but she didn't she just told me to get into the truck that we had at the time and that we were going to go get Emily an we were going home. We picked her up and I thanked them for keeping her safe in the house and that Emily would tell them about it tomorrow. When we got back to the house Rick was still there with the cops and they watched him pack his shit and as we got out of the truck the nice cops told me especially to go straight into my room and for Emily to follow and not to look at him as we walked by. We did exactly what they wanted. My room was in the basement in which you can hear everything that goes on in that house at the drop of a hat. Emily came with me and gave me a big hug while I told her what had happened that whole day and she thanked me with the bottom of her heart because her only being 8 even knew that it was better he was gone. The very last thing we heard out of his mouth was "Are you fucking happy now Erika" I had no choice but to say "I've never been happier" I was lying but it just came out like I had no control. I still don't regret saying that because it pissed him off and he punched the door as he walked out. My mother was even happy to see him go and when he left she came down to my room and as she walked in she looked pissed but she walked straight over to me and gave me the biggest hug ever.

Ron- The Alcoholic
             - Basically she has this thing where she can't be alone so she went and started seeing this guy that she was sleeping with while dating Rick. It didn't take that long for her to look happy but she was also gone until the middle of th night with me watching my sister and basically being the parent, while she was out drinking and partying while I was at home being an adult at the age of 14.

Found a Guy- Coke Again
             - One night at the house and he brought another friend. I wasn't stupid I knew my shit back then too. I heard then doing coke when I was getting Emily some food that night while she was far enough away not to hear it. The very next morning I broke down the door to find them all in the same bed and to find coke on my grandmothers mirror that was mine after she died. For  months mom wouldn't admit that she did it but after a while when I did have the mirror back and CLEANED I noticed it went missing again and found it lying down in her room. i told her that was it and that I ever saw it again I was going to leave and I was taking Emily with me. That was when she changed.

Ron Again
           -She drank more and more and it got to the point that she cashed her checks with me and handed the money to me and I went to pay the bills they all learned to know me and to trust that I would be there on time. Until she started skipping work and I had to knock that shit into her again. This time was during one of her parties and not after it. Ron saw this shit and finally realized all the shit that can go wrong when you drink. During this party I took a six pack and wondered off with it and made sure that Ron saw it and it did catch his attention. He followed me into the other room later and asked me where they went and I pretended like I was trashed...it worked.He faked and as I walked around the house I got everyone's attention. I brought them all into the kitchen and told them that my sister could have gotten the alcohol and then took everyone's drinks and the six pack that i hid and smashed into the sink that I had just cleaned for this purpose. They were all pissed and I didn't care. The point got across them and they all went home.

GEORGE- Crack Addict
            -She married this one and it killed me at thew wedding I cried the whole time. At first when i met him he was okay but after... NOPE. Basically they fought all the time and she ended up getting a restraining order on him which he violating. My mom would not call the cops so i did and she was pissed. He got arrested at work so he got fired. He hated my boyfriend and tried telling me what to do but if you know me at all then you know that I do not take well to orders and I flipped a fucking nut. There's a lot more to that story but we'll get into him later.

Kevin-The ONE that I like
             - Kevin is my mom's dream man. They promised to never get married and so for Christmas he gave her a forever ring and I liked that idea. She is still with him now and I am truly happy for them. They both have 3 kids 1 oldest boy and 2 younger girls. His kids are Kevin Jr., Crystal, and Courtney. All good kids.

Well that would be the list of people that my mother has tried dating and had bad taste but in the end she ends up happy. There is still one more man in my life that definitely needs to be discussed and that would be my father Quentin. The only man that has always been there for me.

Til next time

EASEOFPAIN

For a very long time I've been meaning to write. Mostly I've been wanting to write about my life so that if anyone had questions for me aboutwhy i am the way i am or if they just felt like knowing some more fucked up or good things about me then here it is.

I grew up in Sringfield and there is nothing to that. I didn't only live inSpfld but I lived in other places too.I must say that my favorite and best memories is when i lived with my 2 best friends/brothers (Ethan & Jake)  and my guardian angel (Lynn). I had more good memories in that house than in any other.

I was born as Erika Marie Larouche and when i turned 11 i was adopted by my father and was dubbed with the last name of Markowski. My grandmother was one of my biggest heros and she has told me alot of lifes lessons. 

When I was young I lived in Enfield, Ct with my mother and father just after they got married. They goy married when i was just five years old. I remember the wedding faintly but what i remember was good. I remember i was upset for some reason and my father went to the DJ and had them play a song for me. He had them play Bujtterfly Kisses, he walked over to me and picked me up and sang the song into my ear while we danced all alone on the cance floor. Me just being 5 makes me think that i din't know what it meant to me, but for some reason it made me cry with happiness. Even to this day everytime i listen to it it makes me cry, just because my father abandoned me when i was about to be 12. He was there for me as a father figure for most of my life and there is no one in the world that can replace him for all that he was worth. Every part of that song just fits with me just so well. And i miss him so much. Now that he left...

 My mother is a miracle. She has taught me how to be responsible. My mother has battled and won so many types of cancer i can't even count anymore. No matter what i do or say to her she is always there for me when i need her. I hurt her very badly just this last december and im sorry for what ive done. But when i needed her becuase Lynn and Jake had died on jan. 7th 2007. I found out from her and my sister and the very next day i fixed the problem we had in december and she brought me all the way to agawam just so i could go to the service for them both. That just meant so much to me. I am glad for the mother that i have and would never replace her for the world.

My sister is the most fucked up one of the family... Just kidding. She is the cutest of us all. Not only because she is the youngest but it could be many other things. I have to take pride in the fact that she is just like me and she just has no idea what that means to me and i dont think that she even knows that she is the young me. I realized that me and my sister get along better when we need each other or ARE NOT living in the same house. We just don't have to deal with each other on a daily basis it makes it alot easier to deal with her whining.

My brother... wow i must say that he used to be the biggest pothead but im not sure about now. the last time i saw him was october 9th in 2005. And i miss him too. He taught me all i know about pot and all that other shit and im glad because i now go into the world with knowing what is good and what can kill you. He reminds me of adam sandler and every time i watch a movie of his i have this wierd urge to say that i miss my bro. he living with my grandma for a while but he ended up moveing back and forth between there and with my mom and me. 

Now that i live on my own i do in fact miss my family and they are one of the best things in my life next to my friends who help me through everything.

Well my family gets more interesting farther along the way but for now thats just all im going to say 

EASEOFPAIN